The Bachelorette Week 10: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED


Good news!
He’s dead! The Witch of the West is dead!
The wickedest witch there ever was
The enemy of all of us here in bachelor nation is dead!
Good news!

GIRLS AND GUYS WHERE DO WE EVEN BEGIN!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?????????? What an episode. What a moment for Hannah. What a crucifixion for the villain who stayed far too long.

Before we get to the shit storm that was hour two of this show, we’ll start with happier times. Peter and Hannah’s fantasy suite date we’ve been waiting for, aka THE WINDMILL. I must say the remarkable thing about this date that there were literally no activities planned. There was no BS fishing or waterskiing in the day time. There was no pretend dinner for the night portion of the date. They literally just made out for hours until Chris Harrison finally coughed up the key to the fantasy suite. I’m impressed by Pilot Pete for a number of reasons but most notably his ability to flawlessly dance on the line of sexy and sweet. It’s very hard to do that as well as he does. All Hannah needs to allow Pilot Pete to land his plane on her landing strip is a simple I love you. But sweet, sweet peter loves flying so much he literally uses it as a segue into an I love you and past pilot bachelor (and OG psychopath) Jake Pavelka is quaking somewhere. When it’s time to go to the fantasy suite we realized it was a beautiful room inside of a picturesque windmill.  There were dramatic shots of their clothes thrown on the floor. The rest is bachelor nation history.
      Tyler’s date at least pretended to have some type of activity. They were getting a couple’s massage which is basically just a precursor to a fantasy suite but at least they tried with this one. For all the times we’ve listened to Hannah talk about how her only issue with Tyler is that there might only be sexual chemistry, we heard the two of them actually speak about 15 times more than her and Peter ever did. Literally, her and Peter don’t talk, they only make out. Granted, it did turn into the hottest scene I maybe have ever seen on the bachelor. Tyler straddled her on the massage table, and I was just… It was unbelievably hot. A whole new level of hot. Tyler is a Greek god and that’s really all there is to it. So, after being entirely hot and bothered by Tyler, Hannah makes one of the all-time most surprising decisions I’ve ever witnessed. She tells him she can’t give him the fantasy suite card because she already knows they have sexual chemistry so she wants something more emotional and therefore can’t have sex with him. I both love and hate this decision. I hate it because I feel like Tyler has been desperately trying to prove he is more than what she always seems to think he is. And I thought he was doing it pretty well, but this shows that she isn’t seeing it for whatever reason. That breaks my heart for America’s boyfriend, Tyler. I love this decision because it gave Tyler the opportunity to prove exactly how much of a respectful and wonderful man he really is. He was nothing but the most understanding and explained to her he’d do anything for more time with her. There is no expectation for anything to happen in a fantasy suite other than to get the off-camera time they need. And that’s exactly what he did. Tyler made his dad so proud last night and if Hannah really isn’t in love with this man, I’m officially prescribing her an MRI to look for a brain tumor. Men like him literally don’t exist.
Her date with Jed is when things take a turn for the worse. Throughout the entirety of the date Jed is bringing to her attention his frustration with the fact that Luke is still there. He’s hinting at the fact that if she is genuinely interested in that psychopath, he can’t understand how she could be interested in him. He’s really making her spell out why Luke is still there which as a viewer I appreciate (because truly WHY) but since its Jed and we hate him I’m like UGH YOU SUCK. It’s a classic bachelor problem and honestly, I would understand his concerns if we didn’t already know he was a snake. At dinner, Jed doesn’t just raise his concerns. He asks if she wants him to be brutally honest and then goes for the throat. He says that it really makes him question her. He said, “it worries me that you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you in your life.” HA! The irony of this conversation is too much seeing as Jed had a girlfriend waiting on the other side. I’m sure she’ll have no problem letting go of you pal. Frankly, he’s acting like the bachelor by putting her on the hot seat quite like this and I do not appreciate it. Hannah starts to have a break down because she’s so angry she is constantly questioned about Luke and attacked like that. And then… out of nowhere… Hannah was fine and in love because she decided Jed was doing this because he cares. It seemed like a really abrupt change of heart, so I have to assume there were a bunch of parts of that conversation we didn’t see. I also kind of think that if Jed’s public image hadn’t changed, we would’ve seen an entirely different version of this date. By some miracle, Hannah brings Jed to the fantasy suite, which made all of us yell at our TVs.
            Finally, the moment we waited for since the first 5 minutes of this season, Luke’s dramatic elimination. We’ll skip every part where Hannah kind of liked Luke because we all know what’s going on here. Luke starts dinner off by wanting to check to see if “they are on the same page with their morals.” By that he means that if Hannah is having sex with the other guys he’s going to go home because that would mean she doesn’t have morals. I mean you admittedly put yourself at a giant risk for STD’s in your past but go off. Hannah rightfully loses her damn mind and god, it was glorious. She absolutely rips into him saying how dare he judge her and her commitment to her faith off of this when he’s been walking around tormenting everyone he meets. He tries to explain herself, but she cuts him off like the beast we always knew she was. Hannah was like BOY BYE GET OUT OF MY FACE and he refused to get up which was so rude I can’t even put it to words. This manipulative and abusive man really thought he was going to be able to convince her as she screamed in his face about how horrible he is??? Then he had the audacity to say he owes her the chance to explain himself. Hannah’s head nearly popped off her body because there’s no way any sane human could try to understand such a statement. She overlooked every red flag and defended him to countless people who questioned her, and he really thinks he gets ANOTHER chance?? Absolutely not. It literally began to rain as she tore him a new one, as if this moment couldn’t get any better. I thought he might melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. The worst thing he could’ve done was ask to pray with her before he left, so of course he did just that. He can stop trying to manipulate Hannah, she’s over your games pal. Oh, and she made sure to mention that she has absolutely had sex with the other men, just so it would sting that much more. Hannah earned her spot as a queen with every bit of this interaction. She came at him with anger as she had every right to, but she also well-articulated all of the reasons he was the worst. And of course, she got a little shady and brought up the windmill. My heart soars for Hannah Beast.
            I thought it would be the last we’d see of Luke Psychopath, but it seems the beginning of the next episode we’ll get to see the other men lay into him before his final goodbye. They deserve to get their hands on him after having to live with him through this whole thing.

-Those Girls You Know


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