The Bachelorette: The P is for Psychopath

With the Cam drama past us, in week four we are able to focus on what really matters, and by that I mean a mental health diagnosis for Luke P and the world’s most glamorous babysitting job for Hannah. This week was both wonderful and exhausting, so let’s get into it.

The men travel to Rhode Island, but Hannah quickly sweeps Jed off to Boston for a one on one date. Hannah and Jed spent the day exploring Boston but I’m sure none of you remember anything beyond Hannah’s rewriting of American history and the most aggressive product placement in bachelor history. Hannah Brown, quirky as she is, doesn’t remember all of American history but has no problem making up her own version. It might’ve been embarrassing if she wasn’t dating 15 men at once, because in that scenario literally everything you do is cute. I would recommend she uses her new found fame to finesse a Hamilton ticket so next time she can view Boston in a new light. Maybe you missed it, but you most definitely didn’t, Hannah and Jed enjoyed HALO TOP ICE CREAM even more aggressively than they all promoted Secret Life of Pets 2 last week. Then they got to go play some basketball with the Boston Celtics. Professional basketball player Jaylen Brown gave Hannah some advice on love… because… well... he’s a 22-year-old athlete who’s dating an Instagram model and has never met Hannah prior. Who could be better? I’m sure it looked just like a lifetime movie about basketball and love, but I personally was too distracted by Jed’s arms to pay attention. The most incredible moment was during the dinner portion of their date when Hannah challenges Jed, the Nashville based singer-songwriter, about her concerns that he might’ve come on the show just to benefit his career. And Jed basically said yup you nailed it. It’s an unparalleled level of honesty on a show we all know values coming on for “the right reasons” (raise your hand if you too suffered through that horrific right reasons song and music video by Des’s season 9 men). While I thought it was absolutely crazy he admitted to it, I kind of can’t knock him for it. We all know 90% of bachelor contestants these days are coming on with the hope of becoming an influencer and our next chosen fabfitfun affiliate. But even more impressive was the way he talked himself out of it. He admitted to not coming on to the show for Hannah and two seconds later he convinced her that he was crazy about her regardless. I can only assume Jed can write one hell of a love song, because I was all in on his excuses. Musicians are so dangerous. Whatever, he got the rose and it should’ve sent him home but instead both me and Hannah are in love. Nothing makes sense.  

           

 The group date gave us what we’ve all been waiting for. Luke P had been festering anger after Hannah knocked him down a few pegs last week. So the always giving Bachelor producers allowed him to play rugby against his sworn enemies in the battle for Hannah’s heart. After being split into two teams, John Paul Jones seemed unsure if he was playing rugby or was going surfing, but that’s pretty on brand. Peter was so excited but he’s just too benign for the sport of rugby. You can tell he’s that guy on the team who just always hopes that everyone has fun. Luke P performance was like a montage of the Hulk. He was more or less running around telling everyone he would kill a man for Hannah’s heart. His first victim was Kevin, who went sent away in an ambulance with a hurt shoulder. He would return with a revolutionary war era sling and no explanation of his injury. I kinda wish bachelorettes in general would stop being like “yes!!! Can’t wait for all my boyfriends to kill each other for me J!!!!!!” and act super shocked when someone gets hurt. It’s not just Hannah, they all do this, and every season I’m like girl you asked for this. Luke’s next target was the other Luke. Some very unclear confrontation happened between the lukes that resulted in Luke P catapulting Luke S across the field. As you can imagine, we would spend the rest of this date watching Luke P be too confused to function. He can’t understand how him attacking everyone made people mad and he barely remembers he did it. Luke P is next level crazy. Rewatch this episode if you want to see a man so unstable he doesn’t remember kneeing someone in the face. I feel so bad for Hannah in this situation. She’s desperately trying to hear all the guys out and figure out what’s actually going on. I think her connection with Luke P is so strong she really can’t tell if he’s the villain or not. Sadly, I think she wants to date the hulk even though it won’t work and is too blind to see Captain America and Iron Man standing behind him (im talking to you mike and garrett and literally anyone not named Luke).

           

 Tyler C’s one on one gets off to a rough start because Hannah is still so upset about the luke (lukes??) situation. But the good news is Tyler C is an angel. He speaks in monologues from romantic novels. He only ever uses extended metaphors. He wants to pick her up any time shes feeling down. Hannah admits she kind of thinks he’s a player and listen, everyone agrees but we are swooning anyway. When Tyler said he watched the show with his dad, it all clicked for me. I think he might’ve memorized every line any man has ever said on this show and spits them out rapid fire. He’s a dream for bachelor nation. He also revealed his dad was in really rough shape right before coming on the show and I mean, why does she even care about Luke??

            

The cocktail party sadly ends in a cliffhanger after a slow build of more drama between Luke and every other man in the room, and potentially the planet, but mostly the other Luke. The only highlight was Peter officially asking Hannah to be his girlfriend. It was so precious, I think if you were to look up the statistics there was an increase in flight attendant applications on Tuesday morning. Someone needs to find out which airline he works for ASAP. I hate when an episode doesn’t end in a rose ceremony, so we’ll leave it here. I think Luke S will lose the battle and go home. Luke P will remain even though he had to google the word psychopath and show it to the camera to prove he wasn’t one. And he’s going to get a rose anyway. You hate to see it.

Until next week ladies and gents, Cheers!

Those girls you know