The Bachelorette: Your Silence is My Favorite Sound

Before we get into this week’s episode let’s start with the most important thing we learned. If you are

confused who the star of the show is, it's Hannah Brown. She’s in charge and she’s getting to know all her

guys. It’s absolutely none of the men who are in the lead role. We’ll get back to this in a bit.

The first date featured Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen who were there to teach (and torment) the guys about

how difficult it is to be a mother. It featured trivia, changing diapers, simulation labor pains, and clothes

pinning the men’s nipples. Nothing out of the ordinary for ABC’s cash cow. We learned a lot about the men in

this process. Cam knows absolutely nothing about women, which shocked no one. John Paul Jones held a fake

baby upside down and shook it, which also shocked no one. The world desperately needs GIF’s of JPJ getting

shocked with the labor pains though. Tyler C is sooo committed to looking good in front of Hannah that he

stayed flexing throughout the labor pains, and you kind of have to respect it. Speaking of Tyler C, later on in

the date during their one on one time with her, he was really a gem. I’m not quite sure what planet he lives

on, but wherever it is, I want to go. He speaks in movie quotes and it’s incredible. He thinks she shines like the

light from the sun (name the correct movie or get out). This date really picked up steam when Mike shared

with Hannah that he and his ex lost a child. It was very touching and vulnerable of him, so you know what

that means… America’s most annoying man, Cam came in to ruin the moment. It was horrible but Mike made

sure to kiss Hannah in front of Cam to show him who’s boss. It was incredible. I know you’re thinking Cam

better have had something really important to say in order to be such a jerk but you and I both know that

wrong. He made sure to come through with a “feel bad for me because I quit my job for this” moment… just

like 90% of the guys here. Literally no one asked you to quit your job, Cam, and actually, we all would’ve

preferred if you stayed. Jonathan didn’t like the way Mike was treated so he aggressively took Hannah away

from Cam as he whispered, “What goes around comes around.” Mike came out with the group date rose.

 America cheered. And John Paul Jones ate his chicken nuggets throughout the whole thing.

Connor was given this week’s one-on-one date and I was wondering if he just joined the show that day,
but it pissed off Luke P. off so I don’t really care who he is. Hannah had to go to the hospital to get fluids
that day and had to cancel their date. Connor got to go over to her place and take care of her and hang out.
It was cute yet boring, but I’m sure they had fun. He left really sweet post-it notes around her place and
she liked it so much she got herself together and took him out to dinner anyway. There’s a lesson to be
learned here gents, treat your lady right and she will move mountains for you (aka ignore the fact that
desperately needed fluids). The only purpose this date served was to piss Luke P off, which brought
me so much joy.

On the next group date, the men did a photo shoot while Demi (surprise appearance again,

is she on the staff at this point?) sent in girls to hit on the men to see if they would take the bait.

Call in Queen Demi for all of your trapping a cheating man needs. It was all one giant promo for

the movie Secret Life of Pets 2 so that was weird, but see the movie I guess, Demi ordered us to.

However, none of the guys hit on the girls… it was so disappointing. I think I can speak for all of

us when I say we so badly wish Luke would’ve done it. But no, everyone’s obsessed with Hannah.

The most excitement we got was when Pilot Pete kissed Hannah, which made a couple of Luke’s

screws go loose. At the cocktail party, Hannah Beast emerges once more and this time, she’s mad

at Luke. She immediately pulls him away and says she irritated that he flaunts their relationship

like the show is over. He acts like ending up with Hannah is promised to him when the truth is, she

does take the other guys seriously too. Did anyone else feel the need to give Hannah a standing ovation?

She really sat this man down, explained the difference between cocky and confident and walked away.

We saw Luke crumble the way I never thought we would. He was about to truly self-destruct. In all of

Luke’s life, no women and no god who he spoke to in the shower has ever been this honest with him,

and it showed. He desperately tried to explain himself but Hannah, queen that she is, gave him no chance

to speak and told him SHE CALLS THE SHOTS. She basically didn’t care what excuse he had to explain

himself, he needs to work harder for her. This was so bad ass I actually had to lie down. So, then she

gives the rose to Pilot Pete and let Luke think about the kind of man he’s going be from now on. This

is Hannah’s world and everyone else is just visiting. WE STAN. If you haven’t watched yet, please play

Billie Eilish’s “you should see me in a crown” as she walks away.

Hannah, continuing the streak of being the woman I wish to be, decides to have a tailgate instead of a

cocktail party because she cool AF. Who could ruin this moment? Cam, of course. Before Hannah arrives,

he warns the guys that it is of utmost importance and no one else should talk to her before he does because

he going to tell the saddest story of all time. Grant gives him the greatest look of confusion and absurdity

of all time. He is all of us and once again, we need it in gif form. Hannah is actually just minding her own

business playing cornhole when he pulls her away. I gotta say I don’t think a tailgate is the time or place to

tell a girl you nearly had your leg amputated but didn’t. He also throws in that he tragically had to be

separated from his puppy during surgery. I mean, Mike lost a child, but let’s all play a very tiny violin for

Cam. Mike tells Hannah that Cam is crazy and wanted a pity rose, so Hannah publicly crucified him before

sending him home. Hannah Beast, I thank you for all of this. Joey and Jonathan are also sent home, along

with Tyler G, who had to leave for personal reasons.

Until next week for more fun and more wine and hopefully some grown man tears!

- Those girls you know