The Bachelorette Season 15: Luke is a Tapestry of Red Flags, But I get It

First of all, this week’s episode alone was more entertaining than the entirety of Colton’s season. I loved it and if you thought you might be skipping this season, time to start watching. Hannah seems to have some serious connections already… and some connections that will probably end up hurting her. Here’s what happened.

           The first group date of the season was a pageant to crown “Mr. Right,” complete with a speedo competition and a talent competition. The guys did so well baring it all in their speedos and had a lot of confidence, but there were a couple standouts. I cannot say enough about Jed, and that will become evident as we delve further into the episode. Hannah was living for him in a speedo but when this country singer/songwriter sang about being Hannah’s Mr. Right… I swooned, Hannah swooned, we all swooned. We LOVE Jed. And then there’s Luke. Now that we’ve seen Luke’s body on full display does it verify his outrageous story from last week? I hate to say it, but yes. His body was so incredible it even made America’s least appealing man, John Paul Jones, swoon. For the talent portion, he demonstrated what he is best at in this whole world. He did what he has evidently been doing with girls his entire life: lying and telling them exactly what they want to hear. They gave him the mic and he declared that after only 48 hours since meeting Hannah and actually only about two hours in her presence, that he’s falling in love with her. It was a move so classic bachelor villain it hurts. He’s made himself irresistible to the bachelorette but is now public enemy number one with the guys. At the cocktail party after, Mike made a toast that was meant to directly shade Luke. But it’s important to note that Luke was literally wearing a crown in this moment and thus, couldn’t have cared less. But a storm is brewing and these two will have a blowout at some point. The best moment of the date was that even though Luke won the stupid pageant, Jed came out on top with the group date rose, which gave me so much hope.

           Next was a one on one date with Tyler G. Hannah thinks Tyler G is so hot but honestly, we can’t focus because of how much he resembles the love child Jared Haibon and Tanner Tolbert might have had. On this date they took a helicopter purely to let everyone know that the show they are filming is the bachelorette and then they went mudding. The biggest demonstration of BDE in this episode was Hannah wearing an all-white outfit while mudding. And that’s after a speedo competition was aired on national TV. BDE. Tyler G seems sweet, inoffensive, and most importantly, he’s not Luke. So, we think he’s great and he got the rose without saying anything so egotistical we could gag. A major win.

           The last group date would mean that three men wouldn’t get dates this week. Read that sentence again. THREE men didn’t get dates. But Cam decided to throw the fit of all fits as if he was the first to ever deal with this burden. He was so dramatic we got a shot of him sadly playing the harmonica in the mansion as the men were roller derbying with Hannah. Side note, roller derby seems like a torturous activity for a date. People were getting injured left and right and Chris Harrison was just like “sometimes you break an ankle to find love.” The date itself was boring but the cocktail party afterwards was way better. It featured a large number of cardigans, which probably comes as no surprise for long time bachelorette fans. It might be the male fashion choice of the season. Next time, pilot Pete comes on screen, listen closely. He gets romantic music every time he speaks, even if it’s boring. Like I’ve said before, he’s likely to be top 2. Then, with no invitation at all, Cam shows up on this date with flowers for Hannah. I was so exhausted by his presence and his insistence that he’s being bold because that’s what Hannah wants. Cam seriously needs to stop acting like he’s such a spontaneous romantic because there’s only two ways he showed up on this date. Either, he had to ask the producers for permission to do so and transportation to the date or, the more likely explanation, that a producer came up with this idea and then tricked him into thinking it was his. You are not Hannah’s perfect guy, you are a character in a TV show, please sit down. His catchphrase, ABC, should stand for anyone but Cambecause he sucks. After a really sweet and vulnerable moment with Dustin, Hannah gave him the group date rose which was so precious I needed wine immediately.

           The rose ceremony started off with tears from Hannah and even though I’m still not sure what brought them on, that’s ok Hannah, let it out, we support you. Being the bachelorette is hard and you can show all the emotion you want because it makes us love you more. There were apparently 22 guys at this rose ceremony but the only ones we really saw were Cam, Kevin, Tyler C., Jed and Luke. Hannah was actually minding her own business speaking to Kevin, when Cam comes to interrupt them. But in the strangest move of all time, Cam wants both Hannah AND Kevin to come eat chicken nuggets in a heart made out rose petals. All three of them together! You actually cannot make this stuff up. It was so so so so uncomfortable. Like I said, ANYONE BUT CAM. I also just want to mention that Tyler C. speaks about Hannah as if she’s actually real-life Disney princess. It amazing because he eyes are almost never open so he really might think he’s dating Belle. And then there’s Luke. His one on one time was Hannah was so steamy his shirt came off. As much as I hate Luke, their chemistry is out of this world. She literally described him as thrilling. The thing with Luke is he’s absolutely a psychopath but I get why she’s obsessed with him. Luke is the type of guy who has so many red flags, but instead of leaving him, you collect them and fashion them into a scarf to keep yourself warm when he refuses to give you his jacket. That the current situation Hannah is in, and I think he’ll be around for a long time and end up breaking her heart. Jed continued to be the most perfect guy to ever be on this show because he said he wanted to let the other guys have their time with her since he understands he already has a rose. What a gentleman, he’s so evolved. He also walked in on Hannah and Luke without his shirt and it was so uncomfortable. Hannah felt horrible but Jed made her feel better because he’s amazing and that’s that. We then had to say goodbye Connor J, Daron, and Matt but it’s fine because I barely remembered they existed.

If you could spend this week praying Cam doesn’t get another rose, I would appreciate it so much.

-Those girls you know