The Bachelorette Season 15: It's Time to Go Beast Mode

The new season of the Bachelorette is off to the races and Bachelor nation has poured their wine,

filled out their brackets and placed their bets. Night one went as most night ones do. There were

dad jokes, stunts, corny puns and roll tides a plenty to get our Tuscaloosa sweetheart’s attention.

Lucky for them, I got the sense that Hannah genuinely likes dad jokes. You probably don’t remember their names and the eight men who went home barely matter, so here are some standout moments to get you ready for episode 2!

Luke P: In his intro package, Luke potentially flexed harder than any contestant in the 17 years

of this show. He claims that the women at his college were so taken by his good looks that he

literally got too much action to function. It was such a problem that God himself actually stopped

what he was doing, came to luke in the shower, and told him to cut the BS and learn how to be

a good husband to no one in particular. So now, Luke, who is walking the straight and narrow, has turned to national TV to find a wife because that’s how God intended it. Also, he most definitely doesn’t have an STD from his previous life habits. Sadly, Hannah doesn’t yet know this

information and gave him the first impression rose because of previously mentioned good looks

and the weird Tarzan fantasy entrance he gave captured her beastly side. We will put up with

Luke until at least hometown dates.

Tyler C: He opened the show and served us Gene Kelly vibes but instead of  singing in the rain,

he is shirtless on a construction site. In case you were nervous the producers were going

to let up on making these contestants bend the knee to their every will, fear not.

The Box King: We will never remember his name but also it doesn’t matter because he was

eliminated. Both you and I will never love anything as much as this man loves boxes.

As heir to some type of cardboard box fortune, he arrived in a box filled with packing peanuts,

joked about Hannah checking all of his boxes, and was promptly eliminated. Thank you Hannah.

Matt Donald: Sweet, sweet Matt. He had so much potential to be a front runner but made the

fatal error of singing a horrible rendition of “Old MacDonald had a farm.” If Matt Donald had

simply walked up and said Roll Tide in ASL, we would be watching him this week. Hannah

was not interested in him or his tractor but Bachelor Nation twitter is determined to make

him the next grocery store Joe, so maybe he’ll get a redemption arc in paradise.

Grant: Grant is THAT guy. We ALL know him. You’ve probably seen him at a football game

too drunk and embarrassing himself. He’s your boyfriends fraternity brother who’s unemployed,

living on his mom’s couch and constantly making your boyfriend do crap you hate. He’s the guy

who is the loudest at every party and would die for his bros. Grant came out of the limo

with a bottle of mustard, stuffed his face with a hot dog and proudly told america he

was unemployed. We’ve never experienced honesty quite the way Grant gave it to us

and maybe that’s why Hannah gave him a rose.

John Paul Jones: I counted. John Paul Jones got 26 seconds of air time and became the

most hated man in America. He said no words other than “John Paul Jones” and “with gratitude”

when he was handed a rose. We collectively, as a society, hate him the most. Ever.

You’ll know him when you see him.

Bad Colton Jokes: Someone jumped a fence. Someone else joked about being a virgin.

All the viewers were exhausted.

Pilot Pete: Pilot Pete came to win. He came in uniform, gave Hannah a set of wings,

and stole America’s heart. Every fan on twitter put on a wedding gown and was ready

to commit to him right then and there. He absolutely body bagged the other pilot who

didn’t come in uniform, and single handedly sent that guy home. Pilot Pete is likely to be top 2.

Surprise Demi appearance: She used her powers for good and not evil and we love that.

Do not cross Demi.

Scott: Scott could not understand why having a girlfriend on Monday was bad, seeing

as he would be a contestant on the Bachelorette just days later. Hannah literally showed

him the location of the door.

The only moment that mattered, the emergence of Hannah BEAST: If ATFR gave you the feeling that Hannah might not do well (even Chris Harrison was concerned), those feelings are surely gone now. Her intro was perfect. She’s authentic, she’s genuine, she’s down to earth, she’s here for love and there was not one mention of her virginity or lack thereof (CAN I GET AN AMEN?!).  Most importantly, she will tear you to shreds if you cross her. She didn’t even remember Scott’s name and still made him wish he was dead when she found out he had a girlfriend back home. She yelled at him for speaking over her and then unapologetically showed him out. We couldn’t stan harder if we tried. I also loved the moment of vulnerability they showed when she asked god to make her feel worthy before going to talk to the men. I think she will be one of the most relatable Bachelorette’s we’ve ever had. I genuinely hope she finds her guy and that he chooses the best Neil Lane ring.

-Those Girls You Know